another year older and what do i get? or, getting older but getting bitter. or up yours im old, humor me.

August 17, 2007 by wonko.

well here it is another year gone. this time last year i was in texas full speed ahead on a new career path feelin good and lookin even better. i shouldve known that wouldnt last. the fates those arbitrary bitches once again conspired to catch fire to my house of cards, so in classic olah (that’s me in case you dinna know) fashion i cut my losses and made for the hills, actually mountains, of portland. what did i learn from my recent brush with responsible adulthood? well, for one thing success isnt as easy as it sounds even if you put your whole heart and soul into it. either that or ive not figured out what it is im here for. {”here” in the metaphorical metaphysical sense, not here on the interent… i know why im here on the internet: porn.) love will never stay despite any effort to the contrary, and of course the lack of effort just hastens its demise. eventually even the ones you love most will be taken away or will just get tired of trying to keep up. that seems a prosaic notion for someone in thier late 30s to be figuring out i guess, but hey ive always been a late bloomer. also, starting over gets harder as the years go by, maybe some day soon i’ll get it right. like tammy wynette says “i’ll just keep on fallin in love til i get it right” well tammy add to love, everything else and im right there with you. ive spent such a large portion of my life alone that the concept of being “with” someone else in a romantic or non-romantic but somehow exclusive context is both alien and frightening. but then even more frightening is the concept of being that ratty old man who mutters under his breath because there’s no one else he can talk to. fear of action vs fear of inaction, i dont know which will win out in the end. we’ll save that for another year. so, out with the old, in with the new. let’s see if i can make this year more than the sum of the preceeding 36.

ps: if this strikes you as overly pessimistic, narcissistic, whiney, bitchy or just annoying well then i guess you just dont know me.

xoxo
olah

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