The Horrors of Self Imposed Homophobia

May 5, 2011 by Stonk.

Hi gang,

Tonight I am in a reflective mood.  I just written this draft and punched the wrong key and deleted ity all, so I start again!  Such is my life.

Tonight I reflect on the damages of homophobia.  Either self-inflicted homophobia pr homophobia inflicted bu a culture.I reflect pn myself and a close friend of mine in Pocatello.

When I was a kid, the rumor was that being “one of Them” meant you frequented Bernie’s Lounge in downtown Pocatello.   That was where “they” hung out.When I was a young child, I recall my mother driving through downtown, and I would stare at that huge neon cocktail glass above the stairs leading to the basement of the building where Bernie’s was.  Even then, I wanted to go inside there ad see the “queers.”  It was years later, when I was a jukebox technician that I actually entered Bernies to fix a jukebox.  I saw average men at the bar.  I saw twinks, preppies, bears and truck drivers.  None looked spectacular or “weird” to me.  Strike down the rumor that “queers” were “weird.”

Rumor also had it that “they” hung out and “cruised: at the upper level of Ross Park.  Rumor also had it that once in a while the football team of Pocatello High School cleared  the park of “them” using baseball bats.  How many times as a kid ad a teenager did I walk the upper level of Ross Park, looking for “them?”  Of course back then I could not understand or accept that at the time, I also was cruising Ross Park!

As a gay teen, I could always justify my antics, adventures and behaviors as just things “that boys do.”  Ad I did more than my share of them!  Until I fell in love with Terry Rogers.  Then was when all the propaganda of homophobia taught by the Mormon Church came crushing down upon my soul and spirit. the shame, guilt and horror that I felt when I admitted to myself that I was “one of them” was unbearable.  That was when I began to hang out with the toughest “hoods” in Pocatello.  I felt that I had to prove to everyone, including myself, that I was as tough as anyone and that I was not a “sissy.”  All those wasted years that I spent wasted on dope with that gang was so tragic.  When it could have all been avoided if I could have busted through my own homophobias and faced the truth.

Enough about me.  I now reflect on Jerry.  Jerry was my old college friend,  Jerry was openly gay.  Jerry came from a devout Catholic family.  Jerry was one of those that I always got wasted with.  I made several direct passes at Jerry, yet he and I were always too wasted to do anything about it.  I lost contact with Jerry when I “cleaned up my act” and went on an LDS mission to Norway.  That experience is something I prefer to keep in the past and not dwell on it, because even then and there, that gay Boogieman haunted me.

Meanwhile, Jerry burnt himself out on LSD, had a nervous breakdown and spent time in the mental hospital.  Years later, he told me that the causes of such were his internalized homophobias and self-hatreds. As so many deeply religious Catholics that are gay, he decided to go intothe Priesthood  He sought recompense from God for his natural, “unnatural” desires.  He thought that by living a “Joseph” celibate life he would gain forgiveness and lose his attraction and desires for men.  It didn’t work.

These days, I proudly sport several bumper stickers on the back window of my truck.  One is the rainbow gay triangle.  One is a bear’s paw.  One is the yellow equal sign on blue of the Human Rights Campaign.  Ny favorite is one that says: “Abstinence Makes The Church Grow Fondlers.”  When I see that one, I think of Jerry.

Nowadays Jerry is addicted to pornography of teenage boys.  Once in a while he gets “serviced” by teenagers.  He got kicked out of the Priesthood for molestation.   He is on welfare.  For recompense, he sits on my mother’s grave and prays penance for her soul.

For the past seven years, I have lived a boring “ordinary” life with my femboy legal partner, Edmundo.  Nothing special, just two domesticated gay men who love each other and take care of each other.  You know, mowing the lawn, shopping, eating movies.  And for fifteen years, I have been OUT!  No place for either internalized or externalized homophobia for me!  Seven years ago when I met Ed, I was ready for him in my life.  We live in Chehalis.  The neighbors do not talk about us.  They talk about the giant zucchinis that I grow in my garden and that I give to them.  I am perfectly satisfied and content in my choice of life and lifestyle.  Everyone who knows Ed worships him and it is my responsibility to keep my act together to keep him.  Which I accept because it does nothing but good for me.

I compare my life with Jerry’s.  Here I am gone middle aged, fat and sassy living the householder life with my dear one.  Jerry is addicted to teenage pornography on the computer and wastes his time sitting on gravestones.  I came out of the closet 20 years after Jerry did.  Yet through massive doses of therapy and hard work I overcame my self hatreds and homophobias.  While Jerry ruined his life bu hanging on to them.

What can we learn from that story?

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